


Old scars and open wounds

by Hopeful_Foolx



Series: Whumptober 2020 [14]
Category: Star Trek: Picard
Genre: But for once he cares okay, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Past Character Death, Picard being a decent human being for once, Survivor Guilt, just joking I know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:14:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27106309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopeful_Foolx/pseuds/Hopeful_Foolx
Summary: Whumtober day 19 - Broken hearts. It's an anniversary for Hugh, and not a good one.
Relationships: Hugh ❘ Third of Five & Jean-Luc Picard
Series: Whumptober 2020 [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1945483
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Old scars and open wounds

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know, I know...

“It’s called survivor’s guilt, you know” Hugh startles at the voice and looks up, but doesn’t have to for long before Picard sits down next to him. It’s not that he doesn’t want his company, it’s just…   
Yes. It’s just that he doesn’t want his company. Or any company. 

“What do you mean?” He eyes him suspiciously but the former Captain just looks in the same direction Hugh did until a moment ago.   
  
“Survivor’s guilt. I know what day it is, and even if I didn’t, it’s not hard to see” He doesn’t answer for a while and only looks forward over long fields in the setting sun. He’s been out all day, avoiding everyone since he slipped out of the room at dawn. Not like he had slept at all. 

“It’s been one year, yes” he finally sighs but that’s all he says, because there is nothing else he really could say - or wants to. 

“And you are thinking it through, over and over again. Yet you always come to the same conclusion, which is not, as I would like it to be, that it wasn’t your fault what happened” No. That is indeed not what he comes up with.   
“So all that happens is that you think about what you would do differently if you could go back and change it. Then you come up with nothing, and it feels like you are the one who should have died, but didn’t” Correct again. He doesn’t answer. “Now tell me, what have you come up with? What would you change?” He shakes his head and looks down to his feet. They are dangling over the edge of the wall, he has found the furthest terrace he could and the corner where he was the unlikeliest to be found. He thought nobody would suspect him so high up, he is afraid of heights but today, nothing really drowns out the pain. Not even fear. If he hadn’t been so tired, he maybe would have just stayed down in the fields. But he is tired. Exhausted, and not from lack of sleep. He is exhausted from turning the scene in his head, over and over again, just doing that and nothing else, and coming up empty. He hasn’t been in pain this much since the days following the…   
The incident. He calls it that in his mind, not murder, not slaughter, not catastrophe. Far neater, like the box he usually locks his memories away in. 

“Nothing. I do not regret helping you, if you are talking about… that”   
  
“But you could blame me” He nearly flinches again when he hears it. Of course he could, he thought about it, but 

“No! It wasn’t your fault that Soji was there, and it was the right decision to come save her - Narissa would have started killing the xBs regardless, we were too close to the artificial-” he stops abruptly when Picard turns his head. 

“Now, which of those words couldn’t be used for you then?” He doesn’t have an answer to that, “If you don’t blame me, then don’t blame yourself” 

“What if it just hurts? And nothing else, it just hurts?”   
  
“Then it means that you keep their memories alive. You miss them - and since you knew them so well, you are one of the few, maybe the only one remembering them that way. If you died with them, no one would. They’d all be forgotten” He sighs, “You can’t go back and change the past, no matter how much you want to” And he speaks from experience, Hugh knows, sees, knew before. He’s lost friends and as a Captain… A lot of people.   
“But you always keep them in your mind, and that is what matters. They only really die when you forget them. Do you want to forget them?” He shakes his head before Picard has even finished talking, because no, 

“No, never” and still he now understands what he means, “So the pain is a reminder. Even if I didn’t need one” 

“I know you want me to tell you that it gets better - but I will be honest with you, it won’t. Not in the way you would need it to be. It will always stay and it will always affect you. Still, it is you who chooses how to act - what to do with the pain. Some people turn to revenge, others start to cope, badly or sometimes in a good way. Grief is a difficult experience, an emotion that is different for everyone, even if it is about the same person. No two experiences are the same” They stay silent for a while after that. 

“Why are you here?” he finally asks, “Right here, today, if I may ask” Picard gets up and brushes dust off his trousers before he puts a hand on Hugh’s shoulder, 

“Just because you do not blame me, I can’t help but do it sometimes. And I found that on certain occasions, it helps a lot to tell someone what you yourself right now need to hear” Hugh looks forward again, “And also,” he chuckles quietly, “So I can send Elnor over, if that is alright. He paces holes in the upper hallway” Hugh wants to smile and feels the corners of his mouth comply at least a little. 

“Yes, I think I would like that”

  
  



End file.
